Imperfectly Perfect

Firstly, I’d just like to apologise to my readers for not posting for a few weeks. The inevitable happened and I finally contracted covid after 2 and a half years of managing to escape it. All is fine now and I’m well again, thankfully!

I felt compelled to come on and blog today after Supernanny, Jo Frost dropped a super-whammy of a post on Instagram yesterday,

Jo became a household name across the UK and USA in the early 2000’s, she became well known for helping parents manage difficult behaviours in children on TV, although, perhaps a little controversial, particularly in recent years.

Yesterday, Jo posted an image stating “Today, in the 21st century people want to banish the word ‘naughty’. They say it is a negative word to describe a child’s behaviour. Yet we want to desperately LABEL our children ADD, ADHD, ODD and every other ABCD“.

In the description of the image she went on to discuss where the word ‘naughty” originated from and how it had a different meaning in the US compared to the UK. She gave her advice on understanding the reasons behind children’s behaviours and the importance of our wording e.g. ‘you acted very unkind to your friend’ as opposed to ‘you are unkind‘.

Although I agree with some of the advice she gave in her description, the wording in the image itself has caused a lot of controversy on the platform, seemingly offending the majority of the neurodiverse community, including myself, the parent of a daughter with ADHD.

I personally took issue with the wording in the image, stating that we are desperate to ‘LABEL’ our children. I find it distasteful for a ‘public figure‘ and self-proclaimed ‘supernanny‘ to pass judgement, when actually the correct term is ‘diagnosis‘. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s a neurological condition. It’s a condition of the brain, it is not a behaviour, it is not a mental health condition, it’s not brought on by a persons environment, lifestyle nor is it learnt behaviours. Labels belong on clothes, food and other objects, not people.

I certainly didn’t go looking for a ‘label’ for my daughter, she had always struggled, she was believed to have autism, I never once considered that she may have ADHD until the day she was diagnosed. I will forever live with the guilt of punishing behaviours that were actually frustrations, struggles, signs of her being overwhelmed at not being able to deal with changes and being overstimulated.

While I hate that my daughter has struggled so much, I also wouldn’t change her for the world. She had a tough start to life due to being born prematurely and fought to be with us now. It has been far from a walk in the park. You can read my blog ‘Born Too Soon – My Premature Birth Story‘ Here and her diagnosis story ‘ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Daughter‘ Here.

In addition to the terminology around ‘labelling‘ our children, there was a lot of controversy around the ‘and every other ABCD‘ comment. Many commenting felt that it was damaging and diminishes the actual meaning of neurological diagnosis’.

My personal view on this is that it came across as very archaic. I genuinely believed we were starting moving away from the perception that ADHD is a term to describe a naughty child, the age old view of ADHD being little boys running around, stealing and setting fire to things. The fact that Jo linked the two in her image generalises and discredits the scientific evidence of what ADHD is and what causes it. It’s not just an acronym of random letters with no meaning. It’s a genuine neurological condition and daily struggle for children and adults alike.

The majority of the comments on Jo’s post show that many people were annoyed by the insensitivity and clear uneducated opinion. Some seemed disappointed, they’d previously followed her and appreciated her advice on parenting whereas others feel that her parenting advice is unwanted, ignorant, patronising and a little dictatory, tyrannical and overbearing.

Some also brought up some insightful conversations, maybe even debates. I was talking to a commenter who asked why more people are being ‘labelled’ with these conditions now compared to 50 years ago. I responded with my thoughts, mostly based on my experience. It’s highly likely that daughters ADHD is due to her prematurity, which is also a known factor, however, medical science has improved substantially since the 1970’s meaning that more babies survive, which may also mean that diagnosis of conditions such as autism, ADHD etc increase. I’ve since done some research on the ONS (Office for National Statistics) website, link – ONS – Trends in births and deaths over the last century and compared to infant mortality rates from 1985 where the mortality rate was 9.4 deaths for every 1,000 live births, this had decreased substantially by 2014 where the rate dropped to 3.9 deaths for every 1,000 live births. Not only that, but medical research has advanced, ADHD was once thought to be a behavioural issue, is now known to be a neurological condition affecting the brain. Another commenter jumped on and stated their opinions and compared it to epilepsy, even through to the mid-twentieth century, it was believed that those having seizures were possessed by demons and patients were feared and isolated, it’s only with the improvement of medical science that this was debunked and is now also diagnosed as a neurological condition.

Although I can appreciate the advice Jo was giving in regards to understanding behaviours and focussing on how we say things to our children. I feel that the wording she used on the main image was archaic and in poor taste. The beliefs that ADHD is linked to ‘naughty’ behaviour, similar to the beliefs that autism and ADHD only affect boys has been discredited and belongs in the past and should stay there. Society needs to move along with medical science.

It’s a shame that a public figure such as Jo posted irrelevant views which are technically now seen as false information. We need to educate not discriminate. Social media is such a powerful tool and I would love to see more factual information shared.

Many diagnosed adults have spent the majority of their lives being told that they’re ‘naughty’ for not paying attention, for failing, for being hyperactive and inattentive, when actually they had struggled with an unknown condition throughout their childhoods. Many children still experience this now.

I can’t talk for every parent of a child with a neurodiversity, however, I can categorically say that I never ‘wanted to desperately label’ my daughter. What became apparent was that my daughter struggled, she seemed younger than her chronological age, she struggled academically, she had horrific meltdowns that could last 4-5 hours but then she’d snap out of it at the click of the fingers, but I had no idea what had triggered it. She was excluded because the school thought she was autistic and couldn’t meet her needs, I took her to the doctors out of pure exhaustion and not knowing what else to do or how to help her. She is not an object and she does not wear a label, what she has is a diagnosis and that diagnosis has helped me understand her and I’ve found that she’s learning to understand herself. A perfect example from last week was that her college time table had changed with no warning, she went to her new teacher who said she wasn’t in their class, she went to her old teacher who said she is no longer with them, so she went to sit in the canteen and called me, she said she was shaking and wanted to cry. I reassured and praised her, it may seem like nothing to everyone else, however, a year ago that would have a caused a huge meltdown, the change and not knowing what she was supposed to do would have tipped her over the edge. She has come on leaps and bounds with how she handles herself. She used to ask me why she can’t be normal like everyone else, she now knows this isn’t anything she has done, this is as a result of her being born prematurely, the birth that saved our lives when pre-eclampsia took over my body. She’s been diagnosed for 8 months, she currently doesn’t take ADHD medication, although she is on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist to discuss medication options, she doesn’t benefit from having ADHD, I don’t benefit from her having ADHD, however, we benefit from her having a diagnosis so that we can understand and educate ourselves on how to help her manage it and obtain the right support for her education and in the future, employment. She doesn’t have a label, she has a diagnosis.

Labels belong on objects, not people.

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